Blown Away

Stop me if you've heard this one: five burglars break into a mansion, make away with a wide variety of jewelry and electronics, scan the house for one last take, and see an urn on the mantle. They stare at each other with faces full of wonder at the amazing find. Because the urn could only be filled with one substance...cocaine! Only one thing to do next - snort that blow. One problem, though. The "blow" in question is actually the remains of the home owner's father and two deceased dogs.

No, it's not the plot for Pineapple Express 2. This was the police filing in Marrion County, Florida earlier this week. According to police reports: Waldo Soroa, 19, Matrix Andaluz, 18, Jose David Diaz Marrero, 19, and two other under-aged accomplices mistook the ashes for "cocaine or heroin." Upon realizing that this pure snow was in fact pure dead human and Great Dane, the suspects dumped the ashes and moved to the next house.

Now, I'm no professional burglar - I was caught red handed trying to steal a matchbox car from a local toy store when I was five; and I haven't shown my face in KB Toys since - but this "heist" does bring up a few questions:

1. Who the hell cremates their dead Great Dane?

2. I've never seen cocaine, but can it really look that much like human/dog ashes?

3. What kind of a name is "Matrix" for a kid? With that name he was destined to be either a rapper, or career criminal. Bottom line, no father wants his daughter to marry Matrix.

4. Has anyone implicated Keith Richards as the kingpin of this group?

5. Is the high from Great Dane ashes more intense than the one you get from tooting human?

Florida, we love you. You always find a way to get into the national spotlight. Just when we thought the days of child-immigrant rafting scandals and hanging chad were over, you give us one more golden nugget to get through the week.