Let's All Go to the Lobby . . . To Spend Our 401k's

I LOVE movies. I'll take them almost anyway I can get them - on my computer, on an airplane, on our embarrassingly old and slightly broken television, even while sitting on the john at an expensive hotel - anywhere. I even got excited when my high school health class watched that movie about date rape. (Just to clarify, I'm not a fan of date rape - I don't like it at all, in fact). Recently, on a flight back from the west coast, I was more than happy to watch Valentine's Day, the only movie they offered and one of the most recent ensemble romantic crap loads Hollywood has produced. I mean, Ashton Kutcher was in it and still I watched! In other words, I'm a fan (of movies, not Ashton Kutcher). But my favorite way to experience movies is in their natural habitat, the theatre. These glistening towers of imagination and beacons of creative exploration have carved a very special place in my heart over the years.

Growing up, the highlight of my week was our Sunday family trip to the movies. My dad would take us for our ritualistic pre-showtime drugstore stop to load up on candy and snacks. "I'm not payin' those movie prices. It's highway robbery," he'd say. My mother, Bonnie to his Clyde, would store our illegal snacks in her giant mom bag (perhaps a topic for a future blog). There was a certain rush in sneaking those snacks past the 17-year-old ticket taker, fresh off of his pot-smoking break. I'm sure we could have snuck a full Thanksgiving meal by him, but we still felt like outlaws eating our 50 cent jujubes and M&M's. In college, I learned the art of deep pockets and was able to smuggle in not only snacks, but large bottles of ... let's say soda. The cost for snacks was just too high for a college kid.

It's still true today. As movie tickets have gone up in cost, snacks have tagged right along for the ride. I'd like to think that I've matured since my outlaw days. And so, I recently attempted to walk into a movie theatre with hot tea from Starbucks. Nothing to hide. Naked to the world. I was certain that I would be rewarded for my honesty. Turns out, the 17-year-old on guard/ticket-taker this particular night was actually taking his job seriously and asked me to finish my drink before entering. I believe his exact words were, "uh...can you, like...uh...finish that?" Out of anger at our public school system and the prospect of losing my $4 tea, my response was to ask for the manager - a default reaction I learned from my dad. (The truth is, I never really know what to do when the manager "comes over.") I put on my best adult face and demanded a refund - a pathetic and predictable bluff. The manager then pointed to the ticket booth and told me to ask for my money back. Damn! I was almost in tears - due mostly to the manager's extreme halitosis. Here's how the rest of the conversation played out:

Me: I've brought outside food in here before (this was a lie - and not a good one).

Halitosis: Well, this is a new policy.

Me: Show me where it's posted (now I've got him).

Halitosis: It's not posted. We don't have to post our internal policies.

Me: (Damn!) Come on! This is just tea.

Halitosis: Sorry. We just don't allow any outside food or beverages that we don't sell here.

Me: (Ah ha!) Show me where you sell Starbucks.

Halitosis: We don't. I meant no outside food or beverages.

Me: (Damn again!)

At this point I threw my drink away and walked by the manager brushing his shoulder with mine slightly and mumbling "ridiculous." I realize this was super passive aggressive and juvenile, but F you. His only response, "enjoy your movie." I purchased a $5 water and sulked into the dark theater. Movie manager: 1. Me: 0.

Epilogue: While I haven't sworn off movie theaters, I have decided to revert to my child-like ways. I invite each of you to (1) sneak in as much food as possible to your next movie going adventure - sneak in a hoagie or a chef salad and bottle of wine, really go for it - and (2) after your movie, tell the closest theater staff member that you snuck outside food into the theater and proclaim "soup to nuts!"