4 Intulechewulz Only

An avid gym rat, I'm not often home in time during the week to catch my favorite show of all time, Jeopardy. Ask those who live with me and they'll tell you that when 6:58 PM hits, I'm planted in front of the TV anxiously awaiting that baritoned voice announce, "this is Jeopardy!" I'm so ripe with anticipation for the evening's competition; I barely notice the nightly lottery ritual taking place, which is great comic fodder - some "lucky," dumpy member of the local community handling the daunting task of retrieving ping-pong balls from a homemade vacuum cleaner. If aliens ever come to earth and this is the first thing they see, we are doomed (of course, if aliens come to earth, we're doomed regardless - have you seen Bridezillas?).

For those of you who don't know much about the format of Jeopardy, let me give you the basic rundown. First, there are three contestants - representing average members of society (and by average, I mean they usually work for NASA and spend their time inventing space shuttles, time machines, and space shuttles that time travel). The host, an uppity prick named Alex Trebek, reads words and tries to convince the audience that he's smarter than he actually is. He accomplishes this through a series of pronunciation corrections - especially in the topics of Greek gods and Renaissance artists. For example, if the answer is Prometheus and you the contestant responds, "pro-meth-ee-us," Trebek will casually respond, "yes, pro-mee-thee-us." Like I said, prick. One more thing...questions are presented in the form of an answer and contestants' answers must be provided in the form of a question. I'm sure it made more sense in the original pitch meeting. The greatest champion in the history of Jeopardy is Ken Jennings, whose 74 straight wins amassed a total of 2.5 million dollars in earnings. He looks exactly like you would expect - a combination of comic-book-geek-villain and 40 year old virgin.

Whether you've never seen the show, of have an unhealthy obsession and find yourself oddly aroused (not me, of course) when Trebek reveals the shows categories, here are a few helpful pointers to enhance your viewing experience:

1. Set a goal - I usually try for 20 correct answers each night. If it's College Week, I'll aim for 25 and up since they dumb it down for tomorrow's leaders. If it's Kid Week, I show no mercy. Most of those little shits are smarter than I am and have better lives; so let me have this one thing!

2. Shut out all external stimuli - Gotta pee? Hold it. Phone ringing? Leave a message. Kid needs help with his homework? Sorry, Johnny. Daddy can't show you where Venezuela is on the globe and run the board on U.S. Presidents. Your family (and bladder) will just have to understand that your life is only getting harder. Shutting out the world for 30 minutes might just help to forget all about that printer jam incident at work today.

3. Keep your expertise to yourself - As a general rule, you won't fare well in categories that match your passion or education. If you have a degree in biology and wear t-shirts with clever science references on them, you'll be lucky to get one out of five. If you love 80's music and tell everyone you're an expert, you'll probably miss a question like, "this AC/DC front man was not Back in Black." (It's Bon Scott, dumby). Trust me, I have an English Lit degree and embarrass myself every time on "Shakespeare Last Lines." Don't get frustrated. You'll catch up on Chinese Dynasties - or maybe not.

4. Do one thing well - Speaking of Chinese Dynasties...if a category comes up that you know only one aspect of, make that your answer for each question. If the only word you associate with Chinese Dynasties is Ming, yell that out like a kid with turrets every time. Warning! Do not deviate from this strategy after three or four questions. Odds are, if you change it up at the last minute and yell "Dang" (not a dynasty), Ming will be the next answer. A couple of my go-to's...In the category of Civil War: Ulysses S. Grant. For Fascist Dictators: Mussolini. Presidents Named Bush: chimpanzee. You might look like an idiot 80% of the time, but that one correct answer is worth the humiliation.

5. Ignore Alex - He is a son-of-a-whore, blood-sucking bastard, who would love nothing more than for you fail. The weapons in his arsenal: a Frasier Crane voice, vast collection of houndstooth jackets, and undeniable sex appeal. Focus on the goal and tune him out, or he'll suck you into his black hole void of pretension. Other than that, he's an OK guy.

So, go at it Jeopardy enthusiast! Remember, it's only pathetic if you care what people think. By the way, pathetic comes from the Greek pathos, meaning "suffering." Yay!

What is the end?