This LeBron James Guy...I'm Not Liking Him So Much

The Miami Heat are good. This everybody knows. They are good not because of great coaching, superior management, or weak conference opponents. No, the Miami Heat are good because of talent - specifically the talent they've purchase in the last 6 months. I'm talking here about players like Chris Bosh and LeBron James. For those of you who aren't big sports fans, let me see if I can draw a comparison here: start by picturing a movie staring Robert De Niro, Tom Hanks, and Robert Redford. Even if this movie is based on the story of a typical Wednesday at Turkey Hill, directed by a sixth grader named Chloe, and featuring a supporting cast of actual Turkey Hill employees, you'd probably go see it and it would probably do pretty well at the box office. Maybe not one of AFI's top 100 films of the century (even this one), but odds are this would be a successful film. Such is the story of the 2010-2011 Miami Heat.

Since the acquisition of James and Bosh in the off season, the Heat have been followed by media and basketball fans with a fervor rivaling that of the Beatles circa 1964 - probably what led James to rename his team the Heat-les last week. Subtle. And, although suffering a string of early season losses, they seem to be on track with those pre-season predictions of championship caliber cohesiveness. The criticism for LeBron's off season antics seems to have diminished as well. It seems with every double-digit win, there are fewer sports writers carping about his ego-stroking press conference to announce his decision to work for a new company.

You'd think James would now play the part of the peoples' champ and take the higher road as it relates to his former team and critics. You'd think his "people" would be advising him to keep a low profile and politic until he has an NBA title (at least). But, we're not in the age of the peoples' champ. We're in the age of Twitter - and with it, the age of the mirror held showing the true reflection of the pampered athlete. Case in point: James' tweet after last night's 112 - 57 drumming James' former team took at the hands of the current NBA champion Lakers. It went a little something like this (exactly, actually): "Karma is a bitch ... Gets you every time. Its not good to wish bad on anybody. God sees everything!"

Me to LeBron: That's the spirit, LeBron! You really told 'em. How dare those players you left to dwell in the bottom of the league try to compete and get embarrassed by the best team in basketball. And, well done closing your mindless babbling with God's endorsement. I'm sure he was very invested in the outcome of the Cavaliers/Lakers match up...and your opinion.

I want to root for James and the Heat; there's just something about a dominant player at the top of his sport that appeals to me. I was a Bulls fan in the 90's, despite Jordan's gambling and womanizing. I'm a Phillies fan, despite Ryan Howard's gambling and womanizing. Come to think of it, maybe I'm just a fan of gambling and womanizing. But, kicking a man/team/town when they're down is too much. As for this year, I'll be rooting for, you guessed it, Kobe Bryant - a man whose political approach, coupled with his gambling addiction and history of womanizing make him a perfect match for my loyalties.

Finally, to LeBron: do yourself a favor. Go find a nice casino, some groupies, and leave the Twitter account alone for awhile.

Facebook Zucks!

Last week Time Magazine announced their Person of the Year for 2010. You may know it as the prize that almost always goes to a world leader, or champion for peace, or champion for the global economy, or champion for irrigation in third world countries or racist cowboy Ted Turner (1991). In the most talked about blunder since 2006's selection of You - remember when the editors put a makeshift mirror on the cover and tried to convince us that they didn't just phone it in that year - Facebook creator (sort of) Mark Zuckerberg was chosen to carry the flame, making it official...dorks have won.

I won't mince words here, I loath Facebook and Mark Zuckerberg. Here are a few things about Facebook that make me want to quit my job, build a cabin in the Appalachians out of branches and leaves, and grow my own Eggo waffles:

Invading my Own privacy: Feel like you need to take a college class in how to use the site just to ensure that some douche from high school doesn't see and/or comment on your vacation pictures? Me too. Question: what do you say to this comment: "Steph and I went there last summer and it was fabulous!!" I mean, I sat next to this guy in sophomore English. Answer: "Who the hell is Steph?"

Friends and lovers: As if my insane jealousy and relationship insecurity weren't already a handicap, now I have one more outlet for my irrational investigations. A common conversation we have in my house goes something like this:

Me: Who's that guy who commented on your status last night, huh?

Her: That's my Aunt who just got a shorter haircut. Dumbass!

If I was a car, I'd be a... car that doesn't care what kind of car you are. I don't need to know which Golden Girl you most resemble. I don't want to hear about which animal of the Serengeti you would have been. And I have no interest in which Care Bear you would date. The truth is if you need a survey result to tell you who you really are, spend less time on Facebook and more time in therapy - works for me.

Likes: Sally likes flowers. Tim likes bread (the food, not the band). Al likes The Rolling Stones. Rick likes Ron's status. Angela likes that Rick likes Ron's status. I like to be left alone.

Don't get me wrong. I think reconnecting with old friends and keeping up with distant family members are wonderful things - assuming you don't hate those old friends and family members. And I suppose Mark Zuckerberg does deserve some recognition for inventing (sort of) the site that has revolutionized most of our lives. I'm just not sure if his name belongs with the likes of Lindbergh, Churchill, and Martin Luther King Jr. As for my personal favorite for the award...we'll just have to wait until next year Ditty Dirty Money.

Phone It In

Not the techiest person in my circle of friends, I recently came across an ad for HTC's newest phone, the Evo 4G. This shiny gizmo peaked my interest for two reasons. First, it appears to be way better than the new phone I just bought, meaning I'm no longer the cool guy in line at Starbucks. Story of my life. Second, it has more than enough features required to spike my technophobia - yep, it's a real thing. It's a disorder in which people (old people and me) harbor anxieties relating to modern technologies and their use. Here's a quick quiz to tell if you are a technophobe.

You have technophobia if . . . when someone tells you about their new phone features, you say any of the following:

a.) There's just so much to learn!

b.) Why is there so much to learn?

c.) It's so complicated; and so much to learn!

d.) Did I black out? Where's my rotary phone? I need to ring my physician for a house call.

I'm not one to get excited over technology; and I've never been the guy with the newest mobile device or latest, lightweight laptop. (Actually, until last month I pronounced it "labtop," which also makes sense if you think about it.) So, I'm not too depressed at the latest gadget to hit the market, rendering mine un-awesome. I guess it's this old-timey attitude that makes me the Verizon store attendants' nightmare. After all, these people live to tell you every feature their state-of-the-art "communication devices" posses. Here's a quick exchange that occurred when I recently bought my new phone...

Verizon Guy: This device is awesome! It has a global network which allows you to access your email, twitter, facebo-

Me: Can I call people?

Verizon Guy: Yeah, but you can also pay your bills with our autobanker feature and skype from any countr-

Me: So...I can call people then?

Verizon Guy: Uh, yeah.

Me: Great! I'll take it.

The truth is, I don't care if my phone allows me to check my email from inside of a submarine or play sudoku from outer space. I'll probably never have to text my mom from a Vietnamese POW camp. Good to know I can, but not really necessary. And what, exactly, are "G's?" Seems like just the newest way to measure superiority. "How many G's do you have? Only 3! Oh how cute." This new one even has a kickstand! I'm not sure what for, but it must be pretty great.

Really, this all just steams from jealousy. I'd love to be the guy with the cool new GPS or sexy iPod that carries eight years of music. Remember when you were a kid and you had the Trapper Keeper with the Lamborghini on it? Well, I didn't. I never got to the store early enough and ended up with the stupid solar system one. Congratulations. You're better than me again, Evo 4G guy.