Phone It In

Not the techiest person in my circle of friends, I recently came across an ad for HTC's newest phone, the Evo 4G. This shiny gizmo peaked my interest for two reasons. First, it appears to be way better than the new phone I just bought, meaning I'm no longer the cool guy in line at Starbucks. Story of my life. Second, it has more than enough features required to spike my technophobia - yep, it's a real thing. It's a disorder in which people (old people and me) harbor anxieties relating to modern technologies and their use. Here's a quick quiz to tell if you are a technophobe.

You have technophobia if . . . when someone tells you about their new phone features, you say any of the following:

a.) There's just so much to learn!

b.) Why is there so much to learn?

c.) It's so complicated; and so much to learn!

d.) Did I black out? Where's my rotary phone? I need to ring my physician for a house call.

I'm not one to get excited over technology; and I've never been the guy with the newest mobile device or latest, lightweight laptop. (Actually, until last month I pronounced it "labtop," which also makes sense if you think about it.) So, I'm not too depressed at the latest gadget to hit the market, rendering mine un-awesome. I guess it's this old-timey attitude that makes me the Verizon store attendants' nightmare. After all, these people live to tell you every feature their state-of-the-art "communication devices" posses. Here's a quick exchange that occurred when I recently bought my new phone...

Verizon Guy: This device is awesome! It has a global network which allows you to access your email, twitter, facebo-

Me: Can I call people?

Verizon Guy: Yeah, but you can also pay your bills with our autobanker feature and skype from any countr-

Me: So...I can call people then?

Verizon Guy: Uh, yeah.

Me: Great! I'll take it.

The truth is, I don't care if my phone allows me to check my email from inside of a submarine or play sudoku from outer space. I'll probably never have to text my mom from a Vietnamese POW camp. Good to know I can, but not really necessary. And what, exactly, are "G's?" Seems like just the newest way to measure superiority. "How many G's do you have? Only 3! Oh how cute." This new one even has a kickstand! I'm not sure what for, but it must be pretty great.

Really, this all just steams from jealousy. I'd love to be the guy with the cool new GPS or sexy iPod that carries eight years of music. Remember when you were a kid and you had the Trapper Keeper with the Lamborghini on it? Well, I didn't. I never got to the store early enough and ended up with the stupid solar system one. Congratulations. You're better than me again, Evo 4G guy.