Facebook Zucks!

Last week Time Magazine announced their Person of the Year for 2010. You may know it as the prize that almost always goes to a world leader, or champion for peace, or champion for the global economy, or champion for irrigation in third world countries or racist cowboy Ted Turner (1991). In the most talked about blunder since 2006's selection of You - remember when the editors put a makeshift mirror on the cover and tried to convince us that they didn't just phone it in that year - Facebook creator (sort of) Mark Zuckerberg was chosen to carry the flame, making it official...dorks have won.

I won't mince words here, I loath Facebook and Mark Zuckerberg. Here are a few things about Facebook that make me want to quit my job, build a cabin in the Appalachians out of branches and leaves, and grow my own Eggo waffles:

Invading my Own privacy: Feel like you need to take a college class in how to use the site just to ensure that some douche from high school doesn't see and/or comment on your vacation pictures? Me too. Question: what do you say to this comment: "Steph and I went there last summer and it was fabulous!!" I mean, I sat next to this guy in sophomore English. Answer: "Who the hell is Steph?"

Friends and lovers: As if my insane jealousy and relationship insecurity weren't already a handicap, now I have one more outlet for my irrational investigations. A common conversation we have in my house goes something like this:

Me: Who's that guy who commented on your status last night, huh?

Her: That's my Aunt who just got a shorter haircut. Dumbass!

If I was a car, I'd be a... car that doesn't care what kind of car you are. I don't need to know which Golden Girl you most resemble. I don't want to hear about which animal of the Serengeti you would have been. And I have no interest in which Care Bear you would date. The truth is if you need a survey result to tell you who you really are, spend less time on Facebook and more time in therapy - works for me.

Likes: Sally likes flowers. Tim likes bread (the food, not the band). Al likes The Rolling Stones. Rick likes Ron's status. Angela likes that Rick likes Ron's status. I like to be left alone.

Don't get me wrong. I think reconnecting with old friends and keeping up with distant family members are wonderful things - assuming you don't hate those old friends and family members. And I suppose Mark Zuckerberg does deserve some recognition for inventing (sort of) the site that has revolutionized most of our lives. I'm just not sure if his name belongs with the likes of Lindbergh, Churchill, and Martin Luther King Jr. As for my personal favorite for the award...we'll just have to wait until next year Ditty Dirty Money.