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Thursday, September 16, 2010

I'm a Lucky Man (or Woman or Child)

If you're confused by the title of this article, you should be. You see, to the thousands of scam artists, career criminals and just plain old douche bags out there, it doesn't really matter my gender or age or even if I have a pulse - just that I have an email address. Actually, I have three. Not that it matters. I've been tracked down at each by some of the best bottom feeders in the scamming game. Why, just this week I've received email messages from Mr. Song Li Le of the Hang Seng Bank in Hong Kong; Ms. Rita Marie Thomas, Director of Funds Clearance Unit for the Federal Reserve Bank; and John Simmons, Consular for the British High Commission.

I know what you're thinking, "Hang Seng Bank? British High Commission? Come on MF, these places can't be real." Well, you'd be wrong. After doing extensive research - meaning Google - on these entities, I can assure you that each exists. As for Song, Rita Marie and Mr. Simmons...who knows and who cares. Their actual names are more likely Ronnie, Derrick and Sal. And, they live (in a basement) eating a strict diet of generic Cheetos and Mountain W. Sadly, I'm a little flattered that they would take time out from their online bidding wars for Xena Warrior Princess Limited Edition Action Figures and watching videos of people having sex with Air Wolfe to scam me. Also, their messages are almost always positive. Here's a quick excerpt from one of my favorites from "Mr. Peter Klaus:"

It is with gladness, i write you this message, to congratulate you on the successful release of the sum of $3.5 Million USD to you, Credited to Online Bank ATM Card account that was set up for you in our bank the Oceanic Bank Plc.

First of all, this guy was so excited that he didn't even capitalize "i." That must be a good sign - busy guy with a lot of money to give out, I'm sure. Second, $3.5 million on an ATM card?? In your face, black AMEX! I'd much rather have my money safely secured in an account that doesn't earn interest and is only 4 digits away from belonging to someone else. All good things, so far. But wait...Oceanic Bank, huh? Isn't that the parent company of the airline that crashed in Lost? Something seem fishy here.

How about this one, sent from "Ms. Mary Martins" of the UK Lottery Organization...

We happily announce to you the draw of the UK-Lotto Sweepstake Lottery International programs held in Malaysia on the 30TH July, 2010 Your e-mail address attached to ticket number:56475600545...drew the lucky numbers:07-12-23-26-29-44 which subsequently won you the lottery in the first category. You have therefore been approved to claim a total sum of 2,367,834.

Great! I love to win British-sponsored, Malaysian-held lotteries - especially ones that (1) I didn't know existed until today, (2) I didn't have to buy a ticket for and (3) are awarded in non-specific currency. Boy! Times are tough in Malaysia, huh? It must really suck for them that Americans are winning their lotteries. If we ever want to conquer these guys, all we have to do is sit back and wait for our winnings to bankrupt them. Maybe I should send them a care package with my winnings.

But, those scams are child's play compared to this one...

DEAR,

I AM MR .SMITH JAMES,I AM THE ONLY SON OF LATE MR JOHNSON SMITH, MY FATHER DIED IN MYSTERIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES IN WHICH I BELIEVED THAT HE WAS POISONED BY HIS BUSINESS ASSOCIATES.

AFTER HIS BURIAL I DISCOVERED A DOCUMENT COVERING (USD 15.5 M) WHICH HE DEPOSITED IN A FINANCE COMPANY HERE IN ACCRA GHANA I HAVE VERIFIED THE DEPOSIT WITH THE FINANCE COMPANY AND ITS AUTHENTICITY IS CLEAR.I AM SOLICITING FOR YOUR KIND ASSISTANCE IN THE TRANSFER OF THIS FUN FROM THE FINANCE COMPANY HERE TO YOUR COUNTRY FOR INVESTMENT.


Where to start? In a word...perfect. First, I love the intimacy. The fact that ".Smith" (yes, his name is dotSMITH) calls me "dear" is heartwarming. Second, not only is the author seeking the sympathy vote, but just in case you love a good mystery, he has you covered. A real Hamlet-type plot line. (On a side note: isn't it awesome that both the son and the father have two last names - so unbelievable that it's actually believable). Third, $15.5 million is way at the high end of the email scam spectrum. Ballsy. Last, you can't have a good con without a county of mysterious origin. I've never heard of Accra Ghana, but it sounds like it's got the right combination of powerful banks, plotting business partners and a bounty of last names. In my opinion, this one is the textbook example and blueprint for all scumbags to follow.

I have about 65 more, and I'd love to show them all, but I'm running out of time - if I don't claim my unexpected inheritance from my dead Japanese aunt by the end of the day, I'm out 6.5 million yen. Funny, I didn't even know my family had any Japanese ancestors. Oh well...