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Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Egypt: Hosed Again

First it was that pesky zealot, Moses, with his killing of the cattle, skin boils, and Willy Wonka-like rivers of blood. Next came that Roman inbred, Octavian, and his usurping of Egyptian rule from legendary opiumheads Mark Antony and Cleopatra. Now, the Egyptian people have become historical step-children once more...or have they?

In an inspiring change of pace, the good people of Egypt have said "enough" to modern-day Stalin (and all around bad guy) Hosni Mubarak. What could have motivated this nation of snake charmers and rug weavers (note: my entire knowledge base of Egyptian culture comes from Disney movies) to put aside their flutes and rug-making-tools and take to the streets? It could have been Mubarak's 30 year, uncontested, corrupt run as president; or the over 70 billion dollars worth of foreign aid currently sitting in his personal bank account.

As we enter the second fortnight of these protests, the catalyst has become more and more clear...Twitter! With the latest reports indicating that the newly established social network has led to a more organized effort to uproot current leadership, we can only credit Twitter with aiding in the efforts of Egyptian protesters. When asked to comment on this phenomenon, Mubarak said, "F***ing Twitter! Are you kidding me?? Is that the one they made the movie about? Great acting." He then promptly went back to playing his flute. Hey, those snakes aren't going to charm themselves.

If Moses were alive today, he probably would have had this to say about the protests:
mosesheartsgod Way to go @egyptsucksprotestors! Let me know if you guys could use any locusts or anything.

And Stalin:
aintnostalinmygovt Come on @hosnirules! I can't believe #twitterprotestors are kicking your hashish!

Friday, January 21, 2011

Blown Away

Stop me if you've heard this one: five burglars break into a mansion, make away with a wide variety of jewelry and electronics, scan the house for one last take, and see an urn on the mantle. They stare at each other with faces full of wonder at the amazing find. Because the urn could only be filled with one substance...cocaine! Only one thing to do next - snort that blow. One problem, though. The "blow" in question is actually the remains of the home owner's father and two deceased dogs.

No, it's not the plot for Pineapple Express 2. This was the police filing in Marrion County, Florida earlier this week. According to police reports: Waldo Soroa, 19, Matrix Andaluz, 18, Jose David Diaz Marrero, 19, and two other under-aged accomplices mistook the ashes for "cocaine or heroin." Upon realizing that this pure snow was in fact pure dead human and Great Dane, the suspects dumped the ashes and moved to the next house.

Now, I'm no professional burglar - I was caught red handed trying to steal a matchbox car from a local toy store when I was five; and I haven't shown my face in KB Toys since - but this "heist" does bring up a few questions:

1. Who the hell cremates their dead Great Dane?

2. I've never seen cocaine, but can it really look that much like human/dog ashes?

3. What kind of a name is "Matrix" for a kid? With that name he was destined to be either a rapper, or career criminal. Bottom line, no father wants his daughter to marry Matrix.

4. Has anyone implicated Keith Richards as the kingpin of this group?

5. Is the high from Great Dane ashes more intense than the one you get from tooting human?

Florida, we love you. You always find a way to get into the national spotlight. Just when we thought the days of child-immigrant rafting scandals and hanging chad were over, you give us one more golden nugget to get through the week.