OK. This could get ugly; but I'm prepared to show the way for all my red meat-eating brothers out there who have quietly (and secretly) brushed tears away while sitting next to their disinterested, dry-eyed female counterparts. Don't be ashamed men. You see, I've put a great deal of time and thought (and embarrassment) into the topic. I've sat as a sobbing, emotional juggernaut questioning my masculinity at every genre from Disney cartoons to low-budget sports flicks to random rom-coms staring Aaron Eckhart (and there are a lot of them). This vast amount of experience has enabled me to devise the following 3 simple rules - each one designed to keep your reputation closer to Mickey Rourke than Mickey Mouse.1. The Bathroom is Your Ally
Did Old Yeller or Bambi's mother just die? Feel a swell of emotions coming on? Now is a good time to excuse yourself from the situation. You can always blame that ridiculously large soda or go with a small bladder defense (I'll leave it up to you to decide if a small bladder is worse or better than crying in public). One word of caution: don't use this excuse more than once for any one movie. You'll cease to be an emotional sidekick and instead be "that guy that shat himself at the movies".
2. Avoid Jennifer Aniston
There was a time when Jennifer was happily married to Brad Pitt, on the cast of Friends and did movies with Ben Stiller and Jim Carrey - light-hearted and forgettable roles. Then something
changed (what could it be, I wonder). Now her movies are about as light-hearted as presidential assassinations. I recently was coerced into renting one of her latest turds, Love Happens. Hmm...love is a good thing. Sounds harmless, right? Nope. It's about a mourning widower who parlays his wife's death into a self-help book and speaking tour. Full of happy things like alcoholism and accidental death of children, this movie brought out the 15-year-old girl in me. I say, "Never again" to Miss Aniston. Although, I did like the one episode of Friends where Monica and Chandler - oh never mind.3. Sports: Not the Solution
Think you'll be safe with a sports flick? Think again, sissy. Inspirational stories with underdog plots, sympathetic characters who remind us of us, lines designed to give you goosebumps, slow motion scenes with dramatic background music - these are just a few of the reasons to avoid movies about sports. Think I'm too sensitive? Here are a few popular sports movies you may have seen: Rudy, Field of Dreams, Rocky, The Pride of the Yankees, Miracle, The Natural, Brian's Song, Braveheart. OK, Braveheart isn't really a sports movie, but they do throw stones at one point - big stones. If you didn't cry at more than half of these, you should be employed full time as a person who fires people. This genre might seem like the safe choice on a Friday night at Blockbuster, but not only will you probably get a tear-induced snot bubble, you'll also lose your one movie choice for the month.
Follow my advice and stay on the road to Mantown. But, keep in mind most of this is coming from a guy who cried during Major League II. In my defense, however, Corbin Bernsen is arguably one of the most powerful actors of our time.
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