Now, I'll be the first to admit that I'm not old. In fact, I hear 30 is the new 20 - which would have been of some consolation last year when I actually was 30. But, lately I've been noticing a good many signs that our society is already beginning the process of clearing me out and making room for the next wave of ultra consumers and hipsters. Yes, the story of replacement is the only true consistency in the human saga. I've already created a miniature version of myself; and it's only a matter of time before he realizes that I am, in fact, not cool (or whatever word the kids are currently using). Just in case you are around my age and aren't sufficiently depressed by the fact that Justin Bieber was born the same year Forest Gump was released, here are a few more pick-me-ups:
1. The average age of players in the NFL, NBA and MLB is 27. It seems like only yesterday I was routing for my sports heroes. As they dunked from the freethrow line or hit the game winning home run and thought "that'll be me some day." Now, I fall asleep before halftime while Lebron James is a 3-time MVP. He's 25, by the way.
2. Dakota Fanning has been in 28 films. Wasn't she just the annoying little shit in Sweet Home Alabama? These days she's an accomplished actress who is called a genius by Myrel Streep and is currently playing the annoying teen-aged shit in one of those Twilight movies (full disclosure: I've seen them all).
3. To legally smoke in the U.S. you must have been born in or after 1996. OK. The good news here is that the majority of the 18-year olds who start smoking today will most likely die before me. The bad news is that I will need to drink a daily blended mixture of green tea extract, carrot juice, shaman hair follicles and eagle urine to outlive all of them.
I'll have better news next time, but I have the sudden urge to ingest some prunes and put on my mint-green trousers for my daily walk.
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